I Saw My Boyfriend’s Ex at the Gym. I Cried.
It was any typical day at the gym. My boyfriend and I walked in and we went to the locker rooms to get ready. We both headed to the stretching room before our workout. As I walked in, I noticed a girl in the back doing some sort of ab workout and she looked like she had a stellar body and was pretty. I can’t even remember the details because I looked so quick because ya know, I don’t want to be that awkward person staring at a girl at the gym. Anyway, I knelt down on a mat and started stretching. I kept thinking how well the girl’s body was, even though I had only seen her for a split second. It’s like I mad her up to be more perfect in my head than reality. Now, normally at the gym, I am super confident! I feel so good about myself and my body. So, of course I felt good as I was stretching. My boyfriend came over to kneel next to me and whispered “that’s my ex”. He actually whispered “that’s ******”, but I don’t want to bring her name into it. Immediately, I first felt somewhat shocked and disbelief because this girl not only was perfect in my head, but she was my boyfriend’s ex. One of his longer lasting ex’s. Not even two seconds later, I suddenly felt jealousy and so immensely insecure. The next second I felt panic. I stood up and walked out of the stretching room quickly as my boyfriend followed me. I told him “I wanna go, I don’t want her here”. It almost came as a shock to him because I panicked. I think he expected me to be more awkward than uncomfortable. I told him again I wanna go and I could feel myself panicking and tears building up in my eyes. Now, at first I wasn’t sure why I was so upset. I think most of it was how insecure and gross I felt because in the split seconds that I looked at her, she seemed so perfect. Then, I remembered why I was getting so much anxiety and panic.
About 3 years ago, I met my first love. My world literally revolved around him even though he was awful to me. Everytime his ex was around, he would gravitate towards her and make me feel so insecure and gross. He left me multiple times for her. In the end, he left me for good and has been with her since. I think this is why I was having a breakdown. So, back to me freaking out; my boyfriend was amazing and kept telling me he does not like her, he hasn’t talked to her in nearly 3–4 years, how much he loves me, etc. He helped me calm myself down for the most part, but I was still so upset. As he was talking to me, I noticed her bolting out of the gym. Now, this was a relief because she was leaving and I felt more comfortable that she was gone, but I still hated the fact that my boyfriend saw her and in my head, I imagined he was thinking how perfect she was just as my ex had done to me in the past. This was completely wrong, but it’s what I told myself. I did not want to stay if she was still there, not even a little bit. It made me so uncomfortable and ashamed of myself and my body even though I had been working on my body for several months. My boyfriend continued to talk to me and I remember saying “you still like her” to him and getting so mad, as if it was his fault she was there. This was all PTSD running through my head. I was thinking that because he may have seen her and how good she looked, that he was going to leave me just like my ex did. I kept trying to hold my tears back as he was reassuring me of myself and that he wants nothing to ever do with her. All of these feelings that arose from just her being there were awful and I never want to feel that way again or how my ex made me feel. It was pure hatred of myself and disgust. As a few minutes passed, my boyfriend continued to check on me and I got my confident mentality back, but this was hard to do. I still felt insecure and jealous. Everything that happened was hard for me and I could not get her out of my head or how ‘perfect’ I was making her out to be. As I continued to workout, I thought about why she left so quickly. Was she in fact intimidated by me the same way I was intimidated by her? Was she uncomfortable too? Was her workout just over? This is me over thinking. To make myself feel better, I told myself she was intimidated too, lol. During my workout, I did everything a little faster, longer, heavier, than I normally do because I had this rush of anger, hatred, frustration, jealousy, and insecurity. At first I thought this was a good thing. I was pushing myself to be better, but then I realized I was pushing myself so hard because I felt I needed to be like her, look like her, push myself to have the same physical characteristics as her, etc. I thought this most of the time at the gym, but as my boyfriend reassured me how much he loved me and how pretty and perfect he thinks I am, I realized I did not need to change anything in order to look like her. Instead, I need to focus on what will make me look and feel better, not what will make me look and feel like her. This day was traumatic for me, but a good learning experience. Next time go to the gym, if she happens to be there, I will not panic, but I can simply move myself away from her and keep my confident mentality going. It will be hard and anxiety ridden for the first few times if we happen to be there at the same time, which I hope will never happen ever again. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so I think this was a lesson. I need to stop comparing myself to other people and trying to change my body and ways in order to look like other girls. Especially when it comes to my boyfriend’s ex. He loves me for me. There is a reason he is not with those girls anymore and why he is with me. I need to keep this in mind at all times, especially when at the gym.
Here is a progress picture of my body after nearly 4 months at the gym. I am confident, I am pretty, and I am loved.
